It made me kind of sleepy and my brain feels a little funny.
It did take my screaming neuropathy down some, but it did nothing at all for my back or everywhere else pain. Hoping that once the dose goes up that it will. For now..going to take some more percocet in the hopes of still being able to function for the rest of the evening. Also my computer thinks daylight savings happened last night. Wtf computer. You just messed me up bad.
actually, i hate to sound ultra-morose, but they had my friend’s memorial service today (the one who died at twenty-two from EDS-related problems), and i’ve gotten to know her father a lot better in the past few weeks, and i am absolutely horrified at the thought of not just dying alone (see: previous contents of this blog) but also of how that would actually work.
there are probably people reading much of my content here whom i’ve never interacted with one on one who would have better insight into huge areas of my life than the people who would likely organize a memorial service.
Okay now you’ve made me think about my own damn funeral and how horrific it’s going to be to die alone and unloved like every magic eight ball I’ve ever asked has told me I would. I need my online life locked down tighter than Al Capone’s vault now.
I have a pretty clear picture of how this is going to go though.
.01 - I die. Everything I’ve ever written on the internet…nobody actually even reads or cares about because they’ve all got their own hells to deal with.
1 - My entire family will suddenly mourn me even tho 99 percent of them have not been spoken to in years.
2 - I will get a poor person’s burial and they will put me in a BOX which is exactly what I don’t want to happen. Cremate me, dump me in the sea, give me an air burial but ffs do not put me in a box.
3 - They will hire someone to sing some horrible off key version of Forever Young or some Kenny G shit. I will roll over in my boxy grave.
4 - My children will sit there wondering why everyone is lying about their mother. They will go live with their grandparents because their father is a retard and can’t even take care of himself. Hopefully they will remember me fondly.
5 - I will somehow get caught in some internet limbo for dead people and be stuck in some simulated hell on facebook as an app for the rest of eternity. The end.
It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m still awake. I hurt so fucking much. I’m debating some more of my dwindling stash of percocet. My insurance finally approved my gabapentin but I haven’t started it yet. I’m scared to start it. I’m scared it won’t work. I’m scared it WILL work. I’m scared of trying to detox from the percocet. I’ve been on them for six months, every damn day. They’ve turned me into a junkie against my will. I’m scared I’ll have some god awful reaction to it. I’m allergic to so much shit.
Everything gives me a rash.
I’ve had it in my possession for three days and I haven’t taken it yet. But that was largely because there was a large amount of confusion regarding how much I was supposed to be taking. And so I took none because I am fucking paranoid about messing up medication.
Regardless, I am going to swallow some of this shit tomorrow and see if it takes the pain down at all. I’m wary about getting into a medication I can’t afford if my shittastic insurance decides ( as it has many times ) that it just doesn’t feel like paying for it.
And right now I am exhausted and avoiding trying to sleep because I hurt so much I know I won’t be able to sleep.
I’m having a fuck of a time not being depressed as hell about this illness. What do you look forward to when your body is just going to degenerate into a pile of ungodly painful nonfunctional parts?
Seriously…give me something here…because I’m having a really hard time seeing the light.
Thank you. This reaffirms my need to never ever go into the ocean.
Glaucus atlanticus (common namessea swallow, blue glaucus, blue sea slug and blue ocean slug) is a species of small-sized blue sea slug. Occasionally, individual Glaucus become cannibals given the opportunity.
I’m considering a very specific format for this journal.
Monday 6am: I ate a fucking apple. Monday 10am: I had some goddamn toast. Monday 12pm: That salad was shark-farting delicious. Have you tried these fucking bacon bit things? THEY ARE SO GOOD. How are they not bacon? Monday 2pm: Ate…
Reblogging this JUST for the phrase ” shark-farting delicious.”
“There’s an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there’s an evolutionary imperative why we don’t give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn’t function.”— Dr. Gregory House (via spreadluvitsthebrooklynway)
“Sometimes…you can cry until there’s nothing wet in you. You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray, all you want, to whatever god you think will listen. And, still it makes no difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. And you know that if it ever did relent…it would not be because it cared.”— JV