Reblogged from dramaticmachines
I don’t understand why people say they’re sometimes grateful for everything their illness has taught them.
Honestly? I’d 110% rather not have learned the things that I have if it means being healthy. I think not having that knowledge is much better than not sleeping because of pain. I think not having that knowledge is better than sobbing in your car because of the pain.
Sometimes I just really hate my life. And I’m sorry if that offends you or bothers you. I really just really hate it.
I think if it offends people then they need to check themselves. Being chronically ill is not pretty, despite all the flowery ads on television of people gardening and enjoying their lives with the aid of drugs who’s possible side effects include fatigue, infection, cancers, blindness, and COMPLETE AND TOTAL DEATH. Let a cute puppy run across the screen and nobody will notice that you might bleed to death from your colon while taking this. Hell, you might do that without the medication.
I woke up today with my right foot and left elbow paralyzed with pain. I mentally rehearsed what I’d tell my doctor if she asked what it felt like. ” Have you ever been hit really hard in the joints with a hammer? No? Then I’m sorry, I have no other basis for comparison for you.”
I’m exhausted all the time. I don’t look good. I’ve aged 20 years in the last five, my pain literally wearing lines into my face. It SUCKS. There’s no other word for it. If you can be happy having learned some mystical knowledge from your illness then my god, I am so happy for you. I really really am. I wish that we could all take something beautiful away from it.
Here’s what I’ve learned.
1. People generally do not give a shit how you feel. They will forget the next day that you are still ill, that you are always ill. They will tell you - hey, if you need anything, let me know. And when you call on them, they will not be there.
2. You become a drain on everyone who DOES stick around. You have no choice. You need help. You have to learn to accept help and it’s not always nice.
3. Your knowledge of medical jargon become suddenly immense. You learn to deal with every new and disgusting thing that your body does and will do, no matter how gross it is. No matter how painful.
4. Doctors are not always your friend. In fact, in my experience, they are rarely your friend. You are their paycheck. You have to fight when you are in no state to fight. And people will say stupid shit like - just keep fighting, you have to keep fighting, and you will want to punch them because you are so fooking tired of fighting. You want a nap. You don’t want a battle.
5. Your emotional state changes as drastically as your physical state. You are a whole new person of craziness and depression. You might not recognize yourself anymore. You might get suicidal. You might get worse than suicidal.
6. Unless they are also chronically ill, people will not understand. They won’t understand how you feel, what you go through, how you have to live, or the overwhelming horror that your life is.
7. Not all of us have a bright side. Don’t tell me everyone has one or any of that bullshit. Sometimes there just isn’t one. Sometimes things don’t get better. Sometimes they do. Sometimes we just want to be able to say - This is my life, and my life SUCKS. And sometimes we don’t want anyone to say anything else about it.