Bouquet De Nerfs

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: Sleep is for the weak, and people who are not me.

sleeping? breathing? clearly we’re asking too much of the cosmos, munch. <3

You’d think that, wouldn’t you? I really don’t want a lot out of life. Even when I was making a lot of money, I gave most of it away. I bought a few little things here and there, mostly I spoiled my kids. I really just want little things. Coffee, sleep, to not be in horrific pain once in a while…a little sanity. All the dumb things people take for granted. And to be able to spread the toes on my right foot. GOD I miss being able to do that.

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: Munch shouldn’t post things when she’s stoned

i am completely unmedicated & relate to more of this than i should. i am glad, at the very least, yr doctor’s being more trusting w/r/t pain mgmt. i am glad you are still surviving somehow. i love you.

I just talk too much when I’m stoned. Nobody really needs to know all this stuff, but I felt like writing a bit. I’ve really been a disgustingly model patient all things considered, which is hard as shit when I metabolize drugs so fucking fast and my tolerance is so high. But tonight with upped meds, I am just very sleepy and very out of it. I was hoping it would bring some relief but mostly it’s just making me focus too much on being lonely. I really want to draw but I know my arm will make that a disaster. I love you back, I am just hoping against hope that things work out for you. I think about you every day and I worry about you every day and I wish every day that I could do something to help you. 

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: I cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: Dude…

if you can tessalin (generic: benzonatate) even without insurance, the 100mg pills are on $4 list at walmart & SAVED MY ASS during this horrible respiratory stuff & nonnarcotic unlike prometh-codeine syrup so they’re not hesitant to prescribe

I don’t think I’d take codeine cough syrup even if she gave it to me with all the other shit I take. I don’t even want to know what would happen to my brain. I have NO idea what tessalin is, but I am writing that shit down to ask her about tomorrow morning, because I am so exhausted from coughing. I actually finally broke down and started using my son’s ventolin inhaler ( which I’ve had prescribed for myself several times ) and that’s been about the only thing that really helped. The cough’s been so bad that not even my narcotics have kept it down for more than about two hours. I haven’t slept through the night in three weeks.

You are so awesomely helpful, and while I know your feelings towards your own mortality, I am selfish and I want you here. My life is better for having you in it. <3

I

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: Dude cowardiceorcourage replied to your post:…

I love you, too. I hope you’re either close to the goal for tomorrow or that enough trickles in that you can get it back on soon. We all worry/love you even as we’re stuck in our own isolated hells. <3

I am close enough that I’ll get by. I think I’m five dollars short, but I still need to check my work balance, so I think it’s settled, and I’m so fucking grateful for these little things. I still have no idea how i’m going to survive next month with no child support coming in, but I am determined to only deal with this shit one day at a time.

Tomorrow I go to MY doctor and I’m getting my meds upped and by tomorrow night I will hopefully finally get some goddamn sleep. At least my coughing has finally gone down, that was kicking my ass. My entire being was just retching in anticipation every time that tickle in my throat started. My stress levels and pain and this horrific flu have just made this the worst month this year, and that’s saying something. 

So for a handful of people to come forward and say - you are worth a couple bucks… - that’s infinite. It’s amazing and it’s wonderful and I don’t have words for it. If this sickness has taught me anything, it’s that the little things are the best and the worst. In this case, best. <3333

Dude

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: Colleen I am going to kick your ass for sending…

dude, i am getting $200 in food money for december that i didn’t know about for today. let it be $195 in food money instead. i’m a cheapskate & it won’t hurt me. also, you already gave me a portrait, so we’re even. <3

Dude I am letting it slide JUST THIS ONCE. I love you dearly. <3

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: Money…

totally understood on all counts. wish i could help, i can’t, i suppose if the christians are right, i’ll see you in hell & be in good company. idek, munch. i love you, though. you don’t deserve any of this.

Save me a seat then, sweetness. If they’re right, then I’d sure like a goddamn explanation ( pun intended ) as to why my entire life has been an endless shitstorm. They always have that axiom about how god doesn’t give you more than you can handle but I am WAY over my head in the things I can handle department, and despite trying my hardest my whole life to not be a shitty person, things never get better. I love you back, woman, and you don’t deserve it either! <33

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: Money stress is the worst stress in the…

anyway i totally feel you and if you read my updates my suicidal outburst earned me $200 of food stamps for december, wish i could share :(

I have food stamps, but they barely cover the food I need for the month. They’re generally spent by the second week, it’s normal money I’m dying with. If my ex wasn’t out of work it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but that’s over 300 bucks a month I’m down when he’s not working, which is a HUGE deal. I don’t know anyone right now who could suddenly cover an extra 300 bucks a month if they had to, and I’m no exception. I can’t just go over there and go OKAY YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK NOW, ASSHOLE. He’s got his own issues, but he also has a girlfriend who’s pretty much supporting him.

I don’t have that luxury, I have nobody I can look to to help me except my mother, and she already does SO much that I hate to ask for ANYTHING from her. I could throw up my paypal on here and whine some more but I really don’t want to do that either. I just want things to not such so fucking bad for a while. How is life going to kick me on my ass again if it won’t even let me GET UP?

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: This is just a reminder that I think you’re awesome

we had lots of IRL talks about how munch is awesome. i should’ve left an ask, too <3

You’re both on so much crack, seriously. I don’t deserve the praise! 

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: I realized that my son is almost 11 years old….

<3

<3 I know that if nobody else in this sick world knows how I feel, you do. And there’s little comfort in this, because it’s a horrible feeling, but I thank you for your tiny characters on my screen. It means much when I am pulled this thin. 

cowardiceorcourage replied to your post: Medical whining and shoes

Also, blah/fuck bodies to everything else. Wish I could do more than commiserate, but I’m here for that. HUGS.

I know, I just need to whine sometimes :) And thanks too to Petrichor for the epoxy suggestion, I know I have some around here somewhere.